Book Club: Intro and Chapter One in “How Children Succeed”
September 24, 2012 § 33 Comments
Welcome to the real-time Parent Book Club chat! To have access to all the comments and replies, please click on the title of this post; the post will go to a new page, and comments will be located at the bottom of the post. To see new comments/replies, just hit your refresh button from time to time. For more discussion, follow me on Twitter here or on Facebook here. Thanks!
Sooooo — how did you like the intro and first chapter to How Children Succeed? Is it what you expected? I had read the original NYT Magazine piece this book was based on, titled “What If The Secret to Success Is Failure?”, so I kind of knew where Tough was headed. He writes early on that we are a culture fully immersed in the “cognitive hypothesis” - or, “the belief, rarely expressed aloud but commonly held nonetheless, that success today depends primarily on cognitive skills – the kind of intelligence that gets measured on IQ tests, including the abilities to recognize letters and words, to calculate, the detect patterns – and that the best way to develop these skills is to practice them as much as possible, beginning as early as possible.” Yet he then unravels the hypothesis, backed up by lots of research that suggests the opposite: it’s character traits like grit, perseverance, persistance, and curiosity that are better predictors of future success.
Why don’t more kids develop these character traits that put them on the road to success? Two large factors are poverty and stress – or, really, how our bodies react to deeply stressful situations, which many kids face every day. Particularly upsetting to me is the research on what early stress and poverty does to a child’s brain – as Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist at Rockefeller University, tells Tough, “the process of managing stress, which he labeled allostasis, is what creates wear and tear on the body. If the body’s stress-management systems are overworked, they eventually break down under the strain.”
Yet even though research shows that the effects of early stress can last a lifetime, there is also hope. Tough writes in Chapter One: “But there is also some positive news in this research. It turns out that there is a particularly effective antidote to the ill effects of early stress, and it comes not from pharmaceutical companies or early-childhood educators but from parents. Parents and other caregivers who are able to form close, nurturing relationships with their children can foster resilience in them that protects them from many of the worst effects of a harsh early environment.” He reiterates,”The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say; it is biochemical.”
The Book Club will re-convene next Monday night, October 2, at 8:30 PM CST, to discuss Chapter Two: How to Build Character, and Chapter Three: How to Think. It’s about 60 pages, and shouldn’t be too tough to tackle in a week. Come back and join us, would love to hear your thoughts!
———-
Tonight’s Talk: A subject that is often left out of conversations about education is the stressful, unstable lives that children live at home. As Finnish Education Minister Pasi Sahlberg recently told American educators, academic excellence wasn’t a particular priority when the Finns were redesigning their world-class education system; equality was. Yet we Americans shy away from talking about equality when it comes to children. Why? Leaving politics at the door, please, why do we so want to not face this reality: that improving the home lives of poor children has been shown to improve their chances for a lifetime of stability and success?
And, what’s more – what can WE do about it? (One of the things I choose to do about it is keep this blog – I feel that informing parents about issues like these is paramount!)
I’ll start – I think that Tough gets it right when he says that his son, Ellington, “was born into a particularly anxious moment in American parenting.” I think that our unrelenting focus – fear? – on the success of our own children – which isn’t necessarily wrong – can blind us to ALL children as a whole.
And if we are all so worried that American children on the whole are failing to thrive academically, does that not play into people’s subconscious beliefs that some families choices landed them in the state they are in and that we can’t possibly make up for all those families’ bad choices?
It is so overwhelming! I don’t have a secret answer in my head, I really want to know: what can we do about it? Is there anything?
I must admit to not having read the book . . . and I do believe we have an unhealthy, but not illogical, focus on the success of our children. I’m curious to learn more about what you mean when you say it blinds us to ALL children, Holly.
I think that parents of means have been frightened into over-worrying about our own children, taking up a devastating amount of psychic energy, when it might help if we think of our children more as the group of all american children. I think we are so steeped in competition – psychically speaking, even though some are literally. I think of public school kindergarten redshirting, where parents of means want their child to be a leader, the best at sports, ahead of the curve, etc. Even though parents may understand that poor children suffer doing it this way – they cannot afford more preschool and need to go to kindergarten asap, they can be fully 18 months younger than the redshirted children – yet it’s true worry that their child won’t be successful, even if their child, in the grand sceme of things, already has every advantage, etc etc . ???
I think those families who have the luxury of time and energy to worry about the success of their own children in an increasingly competitve atmophere regarding college, jobs, etc. may use the excuse that the problem seems too insurmountable to permit them to focus their attention past the best fit for their own kids. Fantastic private and charter schools make this easier, for sure.
Wendy, good point about poor choices. My thinking is that our society’s shift from “we’re all in this together” and “community” to “I’m separate from you” and “to each his own” has lulled people into the fantasy that we are not all connected at some level . . . that actions of some are not going to somehow affect others. Who is the nurse, who is the pilot, who is the server, who is the teacher? We are inextricably linked together whether we like it or not.
YES!!!! It’s more blame the victim. “I’m separate from you” is so true.
It certainly helps (I hope) to vote with a mind to how to make public schools the best they can be in your area. But is that enough? I very much admire the people I’ve known who’ve run for local schoolboards (especially in Texas). And some of these people don’t even have kids!
That community idea is key. I wonder how to make us feel that sense again. Is FB helping or hurting, do you think?
This is such a great question, because I feel myself that I’m more disconnected from lots of live human beings more than ever before. I think this deeply contributes to how we relate to one another, that feeling of separation, the origin of fear of what we don’t know. I also think it’s much easier to compartmentalize when we share our opinions on Facebook: it fits easily into a status update.
Addresing poverty means we have to look way down deep at be honest about some yucky sad things: classism, racism, sexism etc… I’m not sure we as a society really have the language/time/energy to handle these topics. I gotta tell you, when you spend hundreds of hours in low-income schools, it’s just so frustrating. I wish more people could spend just even a day in a low income urban school. My whole perception on America changed in less than a day.
Thanks for contributing Gil! I guess that’s why it’s so important for me to get parents to discuss these issues, because there are things we can do. Voting is obviously one, but there are more personal things – like sing4two’s great comment that we don’t think of ourselves as a community – and that we don’t even have much community in our communities anymore.
My father, who as you know taught public junior high for 40 years, always said that he could tell you a kid’s whole story after spending 5 minutes with their parents. Interestingly, this is the point that Tough makes very early in the book: parenting is what’s standing out to scientists and researchers as the place where they can help kids the most.
And yet – there are no guidelines or even qualifications required to be a parent! To Wendy’s earlier point – there are a LOT of bad choices being made when it even comes to WHO is becoming a parent. Once the children arrive, so does stress in many ways – even if financial stress isn’t part of the picture (but we know it is too often). I wish we had more “reality” shows on TV about parenting! Let the teenagers watch THAT!!
I’m still fascinated that other countries haven’t had some of these community issues. Attitudes about parenting and support for parents is different in say, France. Parents go out, have sitters, etc. . . . they socialize and maintain community. Here – I know moms who brag that in 8 years, they’ve never had a babysitter! Geesh!
Increasingly, I think people feel that the deck IS stacked against them. That working hard and being a good person and being educated is not enough anymore to “succeed” . . . or to live comfortably. I suspect some of that outlook is a product of personal experience (maybe a parent lost a job, or someone lost much of her retirement in the recession, etc.). There are things beyond one’s control. Others have an outlook that success is not the end-all/be-all . . . and those tend to be the non-competitive people among us in general. Is it personal outlook that drives the hyper-focus on success of kids? I personally think it’s the media in a big way . . . I feel like a more successful parent now that I don’t read all those parenting magazines!
So sorry I’m so slow tonight – I’m having trouble with my internet connection. I think you have an excellent point – it is REAL fear, not imagined fear, that success is shifting and uncertain in today’s rapidly changing world.
You make a great point about parenting magazines – they definitely encourage the fear that you always need improving. Or that your child needs improving, a little more molding.
Holly, re: red shirting. I am a parent who held my child back a year not because of sports or competitive reasons, but because I believe that the schools are pushing academics further and further down into the grades and I wanted to buck the trend that my first grader might be held back because he couldn’t read! A friend’s son was held back after first grade for just this reason – and it made him feel like a failure from year 1 of his schooling . . . heart-breaking!
I’m proud to say that our neighborhood charter school has a great Parents-as-Teachers program that allows them to get involved with local low income toddlers and their parents to help teach that “stroking rat” behavior the book talks about. I guess the question is how do all of us encourage that kind of value system in every school district.
Montessori also does a fine job of placing the child ahead of specific academic timelines. But it IS struggle with the parents (me included, I’m sure).
Wendy, this rocks. I think all schools should have the Parents-as-Teachers program!! We should think about this for our school, too.
I saw a quote in a pediatrician’s office one time that said, “If you believe it takes a village to raise a child, you have to be willing to listen to the village!” I LOVE that quote! Yet – in our society of “I’m separate from you” so many are unwilling to listen to others.
Wendy, Your charter school PAT program sounds like you have parents who are willing to learn and “listen” to the village. And people willing to step up, speak up and BE the village – kudos!
Good grief, that is heartbreaking. I kind of can’t understand it, actually. Well, the overly academic kindergarten is another subject entirely, and you are absolutely right that it is ridiculous and shouldn’t be tolerated. And a six-year-old being told that they are a failure and need to repeat a year seems so entirely unnecessary – esp since so much research suggests that most kids aren’t ready to read until later!!!
I am a strong believer that parents need to stand up for what is right – the exact thing those parenting magazines encourage us not to do (“How to Help Your Kids Ace Their Standardized Test!!” that was a real article!). Most early childhood teachers know that the standards are unreasonable, yet are forced to adhere to the NCLB standards.
I am nobody’s parent judge – we are all doing the best we can – and applaud you for taking matters into your hands. I think that we should be careful not to leave an entire third of children so far behind, though, they can never catch up
Sing4Two’s comment about reality shows featuring parenting reminded me of the success of shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and Honey Boo Boo. We must really see ourselves as separate from other American families if we can view them as nothing but amusement for us. Wow.
I saw a bit of Honey Boo-Boo recently and wanted to cry. What a way to feel good about ourselves at another’s expense. Great point, Wendy.
Sing4two and Wendy, thank you for swinging back to my original comment (that I’m borrowing liberally from Paul Tough): that we live in a highly anxious time to be a parent. Until we deal with our equality issues (I think France and most Europe laps us in this regard, hence their small anxiety loads), we will continue to have anxiety. ??? Anyone?
The issues feel overwhelming but I do believe incredible, positive change CAN happen one family at a time. One way to help is to connect families – have a buddy system of some kind. I’m thinking of how micro-lending helps African women – well, driving someone to the grocery store or providing childcare can help too. Where are the organizations to help us connect? Churches? YMCAs? Volunteer organizations? I’m sure they exist.
Having said all of this, who has the time? Between work, kids (and I don’t mean extra curricular activities), managing our own retirement funds, trying to learn about which food is ACTUALLY healthy and calling about the mistakes on our health insurance bills . . . .you get my drift. I keep thinking that when my kids are a bit older, I’ll have more time to reach out to others, but at times I worry that’s MY fantasy!
This is a policy argument if I ever heard one! We all need to take care of our families, and make sure we can make them the best we can. We need leaders who can help us with these issues!
It seems that many Americans see the “value” of rugged individualism as emerging from our constitution or or history or something. Maybe we should blame Ayn Rand. At any rate, it seems to trump the value of a successful shared community more often than not. I have no idea how we change how we view one another. I wish I did know.
I agree that great YMCAs, churches, and even schools can create this sense of community. Making great schools that appeal to a broad spectrum of families is certainly a good step. But I wonder if that kind of bold approach is do-able outside of a charter or innovative private system.
Once again, I have been reminded that I get to talk with some very smart parents who teach me what I need to know. Thank you for spending your precious time here. Thank you so much for putting in your two cents’ worth, and I hope that this discussion will continue – because, as this book has impressed upon me, it matters.
Really, thank you. I hope to see you next week, when we will dig in to chapters 2 and 3. Good night!
Anxious times, indeed. I heard someone on NPR the other day talking about nowadays one “false step” can literally devastate people financially or otherwise. Many people are one health care crisis or one job loss (and benefits loss) away from a very, very different reality. The ubiquitous use of debt has fueled much of our anxiety. The pushing of “group” tasks down to the individual level adds to our parenting workload (e.g. my parents never worried over the receipts and reimbursements of an HSA and dependant care accounts. They had pensions at work. One income was enough to buy a house.)
In France, admittedly, there are a lot of government things in place to help parents and a lot of taxes to make it possible. Be careful what we wish for?
Oops – just saw your goodnight, Holly. Thank you so much for bringing us together to think about these things. Love hearing from you all! Good night!
There is so much to say about all this stuff – I want to reply to your last comment, because I think this is definitely contributing to feeling we are all separated instead of together. And, what an excellent point about group tasks being pushed down to individuals; we are dealing with the same thing. Thank you so much for yakking about it!!
[...] Parent Book Club book “How Children Succeed” [...]