Book Club: Intro To “How Children Succeed”
September 17, 2012 § 25 Comments
So glad you joined my real-time book club chat! To have access to all the comments and replies, please click on the title of this post; the post will go to a new page, and comments will be located at the bottom of the post. To see new comments/replies, just hit your refresh button from time to time. For more discussion, follow me on Twitter here or on Facebook here. Thanks!
Welcome to the first meeting of this year’s Parent Book Club! I’m excited to begin discussion on Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed. This book has created quite a media stir, perhaps because of the success of Tough’s last book, Whatever It Takes, or perhaps because people (like me) are connecting with what they understand to be the message: in our ongoing efforts to stuff more information into our children at earlier and earlier ages, the results aren’t exactly what we thought they’d be. Tough indicates that focusing solely on “cognitive skills” like smarts, IQ, grades and test scores does a disservice to kids at all income levels, although for different reasons. We will get into these disservices, and their reasons, and what scientists have discovered we can do about it, as we dive into the book.
If you are new to the book and want to know more about it, I recommend these commentaries about it at the New York Times, NPR, and here’s a book excerpt at Slate if you want to get a taste of what’s in store.
The Book Club will re-convene next Monday night, September 24, at 8:30 PM CST, to discuss the Introduction, Chapter One: How To Fail (And How Not To), and Chapter Two: How To Build Character. It’s about 50 pages, and shouldn’t be too tough to tackle in a week. Come back and join us, would love to hear your thoughts!
—————————-
Tonight’s Talk: What does the word “grit” mean to you?
Before we even begin reading the book, I thought it might be interesting to ask what associations you make with one of Tough’s favorite words: “grit.”
The night I met my husband, one of the first things we discovered about each other was that we both had serious car accidents while we were in high school. It was hard not to fall into that conversation; as we sat at a small table with a mutual friend, I noticed instantly that two fingers were missing from his left hand. As we talked about car accidents – how I missed half my junior year basically re-learning how to walk; how he endured eleven surgeries to repair and rebuild his damaged hand – it became clear that we both had hardcore survivalist instincts. But, we also had dedicated families and friends who helped us get our lives back together after the accidents. After my husband’s accident, he turned his meandering school life into a successful bid for college and an impressive career in the arts; after mine, I was determined to get my legs back and sing and dance my way to New York City, which I did. We laughed about the connection we made, and how, since our respective accidents, we always seemed to search out others who had been through hard times and persevered through them. That is what “grit” means to me: the power to take the adversities that come your way, and make them a part of who you are, without letting them define you.
What are your experiences with grit? How would you define it? Do you know “grit” when you see it?
Grit is when your plan A becomes a Plan B and you have to come up with a way to survive. Often the case with parenting, when we are thrown a curveball on a daily basis!! My children continue to do this and what comes of it most of the time can beautiful and rewarding! I’ve never been pushed so hard to my absolute limits before becoming a parent and I hope that my children will turn into adults who are able to think and react on their own two feet….
That is such a great point – parenting actually IS a lesson in grit! And teaching our kids how to think and react on their own two feet is EXACTLY what this book is about – we will be getting into that in the next couple of weeks.
Yes, yes – children can be grit and can inspire grit!
I think of grit as something that is rough on the surface, but can do a lot of good if one is around it for a time. Like sandpaper. Like rocks & water wearing down into a canyon. Slow & steady – persistent. Some people have grit or can feel like grit. They make one a bit uncomfortable at first. They are rough on the outside or around the edges. But they grow on you. Wear you down? Polish your rough edges and help you shine!
Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way. But I guess I can think of people in my life who are “gritty,” and that is exactly how I would describe them – they polish my rough edges, for sure. A very poetic comment!
I have to confess that I’ve read ahead, and one of the main things he talks about is kids who have had a very rough life, full of stress and uncertainty. The thing these kids are missing, the science says, is someone in their live to help them through the hard times and get to the other side. What do you think of that? Do you think that having “grit” also means having someone to help you shape it? Like Sing4Two says above – someone to polish your rough edges?
Certainly having someone to help you through the hard times is helpful, and I believe it’s having someone to help us reflect on the experience we’ve just been through that can make the biggest difference. Do we come away from tough times feeling like we’ve been lucky and survived or like a winner who can conquer anything that comes our way? Someone with grit! Having a parent or friend say to us, “My goodness, look what you’ve done, what you’ve come through, what you can do with this going forward….” is very empowering. Very motivating. It’s hard to do for ourselves as adults – and I imagine, a learned skill for children. It helps teach the skills that can steer one away from depression. There’s a very fine line between “rough edges” and something that cuts and hurts.
Well, basically, you are on to what Tough talks about in his book. *small spoiler alert* The kids who had that person in their lives to validate them, as you say – they were the ones who finished high school, went on to college, or found a job and stability. Is this resourcefulness a learned skill? And do parents teach it?
Grit. Moxy. Drive. Can’t be beaten down. Tough. Survivor. Scares away the softies, for sure. But we want our kids in a soft environment.
Oooh, I need to hear more about this one. Are we being too soft on our kids? Do those with grit scare away the softies, like in a Clint Eastwood film?
No, ultimately I think grit is a good thing. Like the hard skeleton in a soft body. It’s something we don’t always acknowledge, but it’s there, inside, if needed. And if we don’t use it we might forget it’s there! But you can’t fake grit. It has to be real or else it wouldn’t be grit.
Love this analogy of the skeleton . . . tough/strong on the inside but soft /kind/loving on the outside. We can see our children growing/responding on the outside – how do we know if our children are growing “strong skeletons” on the inside? How can we help them develop good bones?
lots of hugs!!
Yes I think having that one person in your life to be your example or to maybe steer you in the right direction during this time (teenage years come to mind) definitely impact a person. Maybe a coach too. Especially during these years when kids can stray the wrong way~I think that if someone has been raised with a strong work ethic, when they are at a crossroads, they will be reminded of what got them to this point….
hopefully!!!! If not its the mistake they will always remember they made
This is a really important observation. If you would have asked my parents at the time if it was good that I got in a terrible car accident where I nearly died (actually not from the original accident but once I was in the hospital), they would have said NOOOOOO. Yet it’s one of the biggest things that has shaped my life. I wonder if things happen to our kids that we see as horrible turn out to be good???
Sing4two, that was beautifully stated. Grit is a rather ironic word, maybe. Because what builds true grit isn’t rough and mean, it’s loving and kind. Real strength.
There was an online debate a short while ago (I must keep up with these things, you know) about how children aren’t required to do many chores anymore. What do you think about your children and chores? How successful are they? And do they give kids a level of “grit”?
A friend calls them “contributions” not “chores” and I love that! I think contributing to a cause – whether it’s dinner or cleaning the house – helps one feel part of something bigger than one’s self, helps one be a bit less self-centered, helps one feel important as a contributor. It builds good skills (once the whining stops – ha!) and good feelings of belonging. I believe they ultimately build grit. Anyone else have a roommate in college who didn’t know how to wash her own clothes or cook herself a meal??!!
Contributions!??! Ok, that’s pretty special; I might have to steal that one. I wanted to enter into a conversation about how grit helps one be a little less self-centered, but you’ve done it for me! To me, whining is nothing more than a side-effect, to be ignored, because I know that ‘contributions’ are good for my kids in so many ways. I know that they will *be* those college kids who know how to wash their own clothes. Whining is temporary; what’s important is what’s on the other side of it. ???
I love “contribution” because it has positive connotations whereas “chores” has negative ones. I’m going to keep this one!
Yes – on the other side of whining is where we find persistence and perseverence (that we parents must have and role model) until the dishwasher IS in fact loaded! Hurrah!
I think that they want to have a purpose and a job at home so yes! They want to do what their parents are doing and its a skill they will use for the rest of their lives. When my daughter was going through many changes last year she reacted by organizing different rooms in our house and gave herself jobs to do! They feel important and needed in our family when we do that because we need their help to finish getting dinner on the table!
What a great thing for a kid to know – that they have a purpose and a job in their own home. Also great to let them learn life skills on their own, they will need them later to feel confident and secure in themselves. Beautiful comment
Ok. That has been a terrific hour of talking about “grit.” I have learned (thank you for ‘contributions’!) and feel like I understand the word a little better, have a broader and firmer definition. Thank you all for joining in – really special! Please come back next Monday night, we’ll talk about the first 50 pages.
Here’s the link to buy the book, if you want: http://www.amazon.com/How-Children-Succeed-Curiosity-Character/dp/0547564651
Thank you again! Good night!